i'm not exactly unhappy with you or whatsoever, but i really need to blow this out somewhere. it's like, i've been making conscious effort to make myself excited about unisono because i know that i cant make myself look like i dread the concert [even though i can no longer deny here that i do]. there are so many pairs of eyes staring at me, and even if i cant organize it well enough, the least i could do is not to lower everyone's morale further [given the repertoire and the "40th anniversary concert" in name only]. i really want everyone to look forward to this concert and be happy that we are able to perform in public once again because that is what we are formed for, despite the disappointments and setbacks. i tried to encourage others to be positive about the concert even though i myself cant quite convince myself to feel what i ought to feel. it's so difficult to attempt to hide everything, and it just doesnt help when you keep trampling on the last bit of determination that i have. you told me to use my own discretion, but what was it that got you so worked up today was because i followed the instruction of another teacher. right, so i assumed that since it was a teacher who told me to do it, it was ok to do it. then i got scolded for not telling you beforehand and giving you trouble. and then you tell me not to bother you with small irritating matters. now what exactly is small irritating matters? the in-conversation thing was what ms veronica asked me to tell you. besides, other than you, who else can i turn to. i approached you because i foresaw it as quite a serious problem for the storage of instruments. so it turned out to be that i was just looking for a reprimand? i'm not in charge of alumni ticket orders, but using my own discretion, i believe that the seniors who ordered tickets would come and would pay up because they obviously cant enter the hall if they dont. and using my own discretion, getting sections to pay up for them may well not work out because it all adds up to one bulk order which cost a bomb. and using my own discretion, there are still a number of tickets left which could be sold at the counter before we even touch the alumni's orders. then? you got angry, indeed. it just isnt fair. you could, under all the stress, take it all out anyone you fancy. but what about us. it's not that i adore bothering you with all these things, but the hiccups today had quite some complications, if you would agree with me, and i seriously dont think anyone else can grasp the situation better than you do. so now what. i cant approach you, but i cant make decisions on my own. tell me what you want, really. tell me what's trivial and what's not. tell me what you want me to tell you, and what you dont have to know. and i'll bet with you my life that you yourself cant tell either, unless problems arise. so am i supposed to only inform you when there's problems. then again, wouldnt i be asking for scolding just as well. maybe you cant help it, but it just doesnt help me at all. i am human and i have feelings too. and now i'm so glad i'm going to vch straight because i can avoid another round of glaring and reprimanding for an hour or so. though it's short, looking at how things are now, that's enough. i swear if i ever had a choice, i would never appear in front of you again. i really dont want to risk you hating me any more than you already do right now.
you know what. it's so hard to get seventy people to be optimistic about something i myself dont even believe in.
and you had to make it seventy-one.
it's always times like this when i really feel like giving up. everyone, and everything, is just making me sick of band.
whatever. i wont be here anymore. not for long.
12/21/2003 - 12/28/2003
12/28/2003 - 01/04/2004
01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004
01/11/2004 - 01/18/2004
01/25/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/08/2004
02/08/2004 - 02/15/2004
02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004
02/22/2004 - 02/29/2004
02/29/2004 - 03/07/2004
03/07/2004 - 03/14/2004
03/14/2004 - 03/21/2004
03/21/2004 - 03/28/2004
04/04/2004 - 04/11/2004
04/11/2004 - 04/18/2004
04/18/2004 - 04/25/2004
04/25/2004 - 05/02/2004
05/09/2004 - 05/16/2004
05/16/2004 - 05/23/2004
05/23/2004 - 05/30/2004
06/06/2004 - 06/13/2004
06/13/2004 - 06/20/2004
06/20/2004 - 06/27/2004
06/27/2004 - 07/04/2004
07/04/2004 - 07/11/2004
07/11/2004 - 07/18/2004
07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004
07/25/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 08/08/2004
08/08/2004 - 08/15/2004
08/15/2004 - 08/22/2004
08/22/2004 - 08/29/2004
08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004
09/05/2004 - 09/12/2004
09/12/2004 - 09/19/2004
09/19/2004 - 09/26/2004
10/17/2004 - 10/24/2004
10/24/2004 - 10/31/2004
10/31/2004 - 11/07/2004
11/07/2004 - 11/14/2004
11/28/2004 - 12/05/2004
12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004
12/12/2004 - 12/19/2004
12/19/2004 - 12/26/2004
12/26/2004 - 01/02/2005
01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005
01/09/2005 - 01/16/2005
01/16/2005 - 01/23/2005
01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005
01/30/2005 - 02/06/2005
02/06/2005 - 02/13/2005
02/13/2005 - 02/20/2005
02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005
02/27/2005 - 03/06/2005
03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005
03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005
03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005
03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005
04/03/2005 - 04/10/2005
04/10/2005 - 04/17/2005
04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005
04/24/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 05/08/2005
05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005
05/15/2005 - 05/22/2005
05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005
05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005
06/05/2005 - 06/12/2005
06/12/2005 - 06/19/2005
06/19/2005 - 06/26/2005
06/26/2005 - 07/03/2005
07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005
07/10/2005 - 07/17/2005
07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005
07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005
07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005
08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005
08/14/2005 - 08/21/2005
08/21/2005 - 08/28/2005
08/28/2005 - 09/04/2005
10/23/2005 - 10/30/2005
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